It's Not About How I Feel

This picture and these words may become my trademark for a while.  I have kept my head down and pushing forward since the last break.   I guess I did not realize how tired I was and how hard I had pushed until this last weekend.  I slept about 10 hours on Saturday.  I am very thankful to be finished with French school and I had my last final at MSSU on Friday. 

Since January I have wrestled through the feelings of it is too hard you should just go home, everyone else has a sending agency but you are all alone, and who do you think you are to do this?  Sometimes the sounds of isolation are almost deafening - but I'm still here!

Now it is time to lift my head up for the next couple of weeks before summer school starts and do some evaluating.  I have been asking God the last couple of days if I am still on the path He has designed for me, am I doing what He wants and investing my time wisely.  Through that discussion I have made some adjustments.

I won't be going back to French school for this next session and I will be writing my first book.  I have almost twenty pages written and I am very excited and apprehensive all at the same time.  I have never written a book before so this is a whole other first for me.  There are many things that I want to say and I know that there are more books to come.  So as I am writing I am also studying how to put together and publish a book. 

On another front, God has been unpacking the whole area of finances with me this past couple of months.  He is showing me my trust on some levels and but my lack of trust in others.  He loves that I am willing to blindly go if I think He says go and now He wants to expand on that.   I have always been a person who could take care of herself.  If money was tight I could always find a job - always even when other people could not.  This time I am in France.  I do not have a work visa so I cannot go to work here.  I am completely dependent on God.  In the past I have thought that I was depending on Him, and on a certain level of understanding I was.   I always depended on Him to find me that job and He did.  I feel like now He wants me to go deeper and is really establish some deeper foundations of trust in Him alone.

Having said all that, the reality is I do not have rent money for this month or money to pay for my classes for the last month.  I have never been here before.  I am at a place where I am completely dependent on God.  I know that He is working things out of me in the area of finances and complete trust in Him.  I have such confident trust in Him in so many areas.   I have cried many tears over what He is showing me. I have asked and asked why this one area is so hard. Some of it has to do with how I was brought up and some of it to do with my past, some of it is just my own "stinkin thinkin" as Joyce Meyers says.   I think we all struggle in some areas more than others, but God in His mercy will teach us if we will let Him take us through the hard places of our own wrong thinking.  

There have been weeks when I had no money to buy groceries and He wanted to know if I could be thankful and praise Him anyway. I didn't have money for the bus, could I praise Him anyway.  My feet and legs hurt from walking so much, can I praise Him anyway?  My couch is broken and has a big sink hole in the middle where I sit and sleep - can I praise Him anyway?  Other missionaries got cars and bikes, could I praise Him anyway?  He continues to strip more and more attitudes, opinions, perceptions and strongholds out of me.

A few years ago I had some prophetic words spoken over me several times over a period of about three years.  Each time it was exactly the same words spoken by women from different countries "pack your bags, don't unpack your bags."  I am still not sure what they all mean, but I think now He is stripping more out of me so that I can travel light in the spirit. 

I feel like He keeps telling me not to worry that He's got this.  In my heart there is peace, it is keeping my head out of it that is the problem.  Thank you to my precious family and friends who have prayed for me, encouraged me and sent your finances to help fill in the gaps.  Thanks for letting me share and for all of you who are reading along with me as I continue to journey.  You will be able to read more about the journey in the books that follow.  It will be interesting to see how God works this out as my trust goes even deeper in Him. I am forever thankful that He not only loves me as I am, but that He loves me too much to leave me as I am. 

This was my devotional study this morning and I was reminded that God always knows right where we are and what we are going through. He gives us sweet promises to encourage us to move on with Him.   But the godly will flourish like palm trees and grow strong like the cedars of Lebanon.  For they are transplanted into the Lord's own house. They flourish in the courts of our God.  Even in old age they will still produce fruit; they will remain vital and green.  They will declare, "The Lord is just!  He is my rock! There is nothing but goodness in Him!"  Psalm 92:12-15

Perservere! Stay With It!

I know that two of the gifts that God has given me is perseverance and optimism.  I believe they have carried me through many hard times in my life.  That being said, there are days when I have to remind myself over and over why I am living in France and working so hard every day.  For the last four years I have had to put my head down and keep going, no matter how I felt or what it looked like.  I have decided that mental work (learning a new vocation and new language) are in some ways harder than physical labor.   Just as many of you know, life is not a fairy tale and it is hard work.  Over the past couple of months I have had several classmates comment that they don't know how I am doing what I am doing, especially with French exams, mid-terms and major projects all due at the same time.  My response is always, it is only by the grace of God.

I have always known that I could not do all that God has called me to on my own.  I knew at some point I was going to need to help to finish this race set before me.  Well, I have reached the point and I need your help finish this year.  Living in Albertville has been much more expensive than we had budgeted for last year.  The exchange rate for the dollar to the euro has really taken a drop over the past six months.  I had to semi furnish my apartment and food is much more expensive as there are not as many markets for competitive pricing as there was in Chambery.  There were some other unexpected expenses, but nothing that took God by surprise, but it has rocked my world more than once.

This is the real life part of the journey on the way to Africa.  I know that God has already figured out how this is going to work out and I have real peace about it.  However, it will still be interesting to see how it all unfolds.  I know I am where I am supposed to be at this season in my life.  I have been exhausted most of the time since January 2nd  really spending almost every minute studying in the beginning.  I have had to learn how to pace myself and make myself take breaks.  But through it all He is faithful and He has given me strength when I didn't think I can go any farther.

I am asking you for financial help in this leg of the journey.  This might not seem like a lot of money to many of you, but it will make a tremendous difference to me.  I am asking you to consider $25, $50 or $100 per month for the rest of the year so I can stay the course.  I know some tremendous things are getting ready to unfold here with this group of missionaries, the staff at the school and what God wants to release here in Albertville.  The battle has been too great and the call to know Him deeper is increasing in the hearts of many.  I believe that as you give, you are partnering with me to accomplish what He has put in my heart for Albertville and Africa.

I want to say thank you to those who have already partnered with me through your prayers and gifts.  I am praying for you as we partner together, we will all be able to rejoice together at the goodness of God here in Albertville and there where you live as well.  The call and direction is clearer than ever and I am expecting big things for all of us this year.  What an amazing time to be alive and serving in the Kingdom of God!

There are three ways to partner with me.

If you are in Europe you can send your check directly to me:
               Karen Banta
               1 Place Ferdinand Million
               73200 Albertville  France

If you are in the U.S. you can send your check to :
              Karen Banta
              c/o Corrine Boehne (my sister)
              1014 North Dade 41
              Jerico Springs, MO  64756

or you can click on the African continent link below to give on line.

Thank you again for your friendship, encouragement and financial support.  Love and blessings

Karen